Job Occupations that I've said I wanted to be: I Want to be an Embryologist

There are few sadder moments in anyone's life than the realization that you are telling a complete stranger that what job they are offering to you is the single greatest thing you could possibly be doing despite having never considered this career path and recognizing all the reasons why you never ever would want to consider that career path and yet, at that moment, and for those few second you're saying it's the greatest job ever, something inside of you breaks down and you almost believe yourself.

This my friends is the cunning Satanic ritual that is the job fair.

So here's Bernie W.'s feature presentation of Job Occupations that I've said I wanted to be. An insider look into the possible thought process one would have to have in order to actually want the job I just told someone I would be ideal for and have always wanted since I was...an embryo...

Ahem

As I stand on the sixth floor of the Radisson hotel and hand some random Asian dude my resume and stare at fertility, Inc (or whatever the fuck it was called. The amount of repressed memories that these episodes will produce in me could have kept Freud or some second rate TV psychic employed for at least a decade. Hey, that's a great idea for a job, Drew you should get on that), and listen how this entry level lab adminstrator job could lead to eventually being an Embryologist, and this man while shaking my hand asks, "How would you feel about becoming an Embryologist?" and right then my mind, in that brief moment between call and response, revealed everything I'm about to say in these following paragraphs, only without words, and at the time I didn't need to drink myself into forgetting like I'm doing now.

Who the fuck wants to be an Embryologist? I mean, seriously, no one as a kid says, "hey I'd really like to artificially inseminate some eggs in a test tube. What a great job, I'm going to help out humanity so fucking much!" Mostly because kids don't know to use the word fucking. But even if they did, I somehow doubt their response would involve something along the lines of "Well you know since I once was an Embryo, I've always had an affinity for Embryo's and I've always wanted to create more Embryo's, because they're like little me's!". Maybe you could get away with a, "As a test tube baby, I've felt like it's my job to help other test tube babies!" But I doubt that happens much. Sadly, like most of my human race brethren, I was an Embryo started inside my mother's uterus. And if for some reason I wasn't, I doubt my parents, like most people, would have told me. Because who the hell wants to know that? So what possible reason could someone really want to say, "You know I've always wanted to be an Embryologist! It truly is God's work. You know Jesus was like the first test tube baby! In fact, being an Embryologist is kind of like being God! Yes, I want this job to be like God. No, to be God. YOU CAN MAKE ME A GOD RANDOM ASIAN MAN ON THE SIXTH FLOOR OF THE RADISSON HOTEL" No, fuck all that. You become an Embryologist because it's a kinda interesting job that pays pretty well.

That may friends is the epitome of the American experience. You'll never get great, you'll probably get crap, but if you can pull off kinda interesting that pays pretty well, you're mother fucking golden. That's all I want! That's all anyone wants! Noone loves their job! The best you get is kinda interesting, pays well. I know it! You know it! That Asian dude at the job fair knows it!

But can I say this? No. Can I just explain that if you're willing to pay me I'll care about anything, that that's the point of money? No.

So I stand and with a nervous laughter that only comes from realizing you're surrounding by a hundred people who are probably way better actors than you and I say, "You know, I've always wanted to be an Embryologist."

And then I die a little inside, because I almost believe it even though I know it's a whole cattle ranch worth of bullshit.

And then I remember there's a reason I drink. A good reason. I'll now blame Embryologists for why I drink. Those fucking bastards.